I'm getting older, but as I grow older I write less. Life just cease to become so beautiful, so wonderful to me. I've felt the pain of betrayal, and although I live on the rest of my days, pretending nothing happened, that I wasn't hurt, that it did not matter to me. It did. It did matter. I was a coward. I was afraid of being seen as a coward, as someone with emotions. I was afraid to be vulnerable. I was afraid to confront my feelings in reality.
I'm doing it publicly, here, because I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to master my own feelings. Suppressing it, 'rationalising' the hurt and pain I feel, telling myself that I should never bother with petty emotions that do nothing but decrease my productivity, is ironically, doing exactly just that. Decrease my productivity.
Carrying with me these negative bitter feelings every step of my way through life, although disguised as 'normal life incident that should not be regarded as important' is jeopardising in ways that I did not even know possible. I am thankful however that I have learned one of life's greatest lesson.
Emotions >> Logic.
Logic is reason. Logic can be learned, can be taught and can be comprehended by the human minds. Logic is simple. Emotions however, requires intelligence. It is something not everyone can grasp. I feel things, that I cannot explain. I find myself crying in the middle of lectures, for no reason at all. Or at least that was what I thought. Now, when I look back at those times, I realised that the reason I cried, was because of a hurtful incident I've encountered but ignored.
I need help, but I don't know how to ask for it. I don't want it from my parents, because they would be worried if they know. I did once, and I regretted doing so, because my mum was worried sick. She kept sending me life quotes and prayers every single day. I love them too much for that. And friends? Well all I have are fake ones.
Posted by ainaanajihah