I'm getting older, but as I grow older I write less. Life just cease to become so beautiful, so wonderful to me. I've felt the pain of betrayal, and although I live on the rest of my days, pretending nothing happened, that I wasn't hurt, that it did not matter to me. It did. It did matter. I was a coward. I was afraid of being seen as a coward, as someone with emotions. I was afraid to be vulnerable. I was afraid to confront my feelings in reality.
I'm doing it publicly, here, because I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to master my own feelings. Suppressing it, 'rationalising' the hurt and pain I feel, telling myself that I should never bother with petty emotions that do nothing but decrease my productivity, is ironically, doing exactly just that. Decrease my productivity.
Carrying with me these negative bitter feelings every step of my way through life, although disguised as 'normal life incident that should not be regarded as important' is jeopardising in ways that I did not even know possible. I am thankful however that I have learned one of life's greatest lesson.
Emotions >> Logic.
Logic is reason. Logic can be learned, can be taught and can be comprehended by the human minds. Logic is simple. Emotions however, requires intelligence. It is something not everyone can grasp. I feel things, that I cannot explain. I find myself crying in the middle of lectures, for no reason at all. Or at least that was what I thought. Now, when I look back at those times, I realised that the reason I cried, was because of a hurtful incident I've encountered but ignored.
I need help, but I don't know how to ask for it. I don't want it from my parents, because they would be worried if they know. I did once, and I regretted doing so, because my mum was worried sick. She kept sending me life quotes and prayers every single day. I love them too much for that. And friends? Well all I have are fake ones.
This girl who fears,
She fears what had happened,
what will, and what won't.
This girl who fears,
She looks at the rain, sees thunder,
Looks at the sun, sees fire.
This girl she carries,
Mountains the weight of her hair,
Her body wounded, with no scars.
This girl she resides,
With her companion, they called shadow,
Who eats up her light, and leave the poor girl hollow.,
In four days, I'd be 21. I feel like in the past couple of years, I've been growing down.
You see, I used to have so much passion in me. I used to love something so much, and I would stop at almost nothing to pursue what I love doing. When I was little, I used to collect stamps. My sister, who thinks I'm a nerd, made fun of me all the time. Hah, in fact, I would make fun of myself now that I'm all grown up (or down). Then when I grew bigger, I used to love reading so much! So much that I would spend literally 90% of my day, reading! I would read just about anything. Encyclopaedias, magazines, even medical dictionary. How would you react if you see a nine year old reading a medical dictionary that's probably too heavy for her to even carry around? But hey, I knew what an athlete's foot is when I was nine. Isn't that something?
But now, it feels like I've lost interest in the things I do. It is as if, life stops giving meaning to my days. I've lost interest in politics, in art, in reading and writing and even in my future! (at this point, my mind is already filling up with dark gloomy thoughts).
My health is deteriorating too. I blame this on my unhealthy eating habits and my lack of exercise. But one thing I'm proud of, is my ability to sleep more than eight hours everyday! In fact, I sleep almost 12 hours sometimes! That's half of my day spent on my bed! Yay (with a straight face). At the age of 21, I have a titanium rod with 12 screws in my body, constant toothache which doesn't go away even after root canal, regular sinus blockage which hurt my cheeks, jaw and teeth (again with the teeth), hormonal imbalance issues and backache.
Another one of my really bad habit is that I find it really really hard to socialise online. In fact, I hate socialising on social media. It felt bogus, so fake and pretentious. I would constantly ignore my friends on WhatsApp, Facebook, Skype (every social media accounts you could think of). Sometimes, I would even ignore my mum. I hate hate having to socialise with words. I would do my very best to attend a friend's birthday party, or video call my friends or spend time with them in reality. But it feels so much like a burden having to constantly text my friends and (boy)friend. I really really loathe, despise, hate texting. I really wish the world would stop texting and start to communicate the way we were made to communicate. I hate hurting my friends for ignoring their text messages. But at the same time, its so hard for me to reply them. I would try, and for a day or two, I would become this super texter, replying everyone before they could even type the next message. But after a while, I started to fall back into my habit of not replying.
Right now, it seems as if I'm an ungrateful b****, complaining and whining instead of counting my blessings. Well! There's a reason for all this negativity. I'm here to spread out this darkness so that I could build my new resolutions!
1. I will, in shaa Allah, try to reignite my passion. I promise to try to do things slowly and enjoy the process of doing things. I am a result-oriented person, and I feel as if, that was one of the main reasons why I lost passion in the things I do.
2. I promise to try to be grateful for all my body parts and organs that are fully functioning and healthy and take better care of the ones that are not. That includes, going to the doctor when I should, drinking more water and exercising. (I'm not ready to start eating vegetables, not yet)
3. I promise to cherish my friends, which includes, remembering all my friends' birthdays and celebrate with them whenever I could. Buy gifts or at least a card. I also promise to do my best to reply everyone's texts. In shaa Allah.
Can't wait to turn 21 !
Is love a rush of of endorphins or is it really something magical and unbreakable?
Is love just a chemical message sent through our blood stream to make us incredibly happy to the point that the planets seem to be in our reach?
If we love a person, does that mean, this person knows how to trigger the release of endorphins in our body be it voluntarily or involuntarily? Is it the way they listen to us when we talk? Or the little surprises? Or perhaps the way their eyes crinkle at the corners whenever they smile?
So, if two person love each other, does that mean both of them triggers this release of magical hormones in our body? Say another person does the exact same thing that our lover is doing, would that triggers our hormones too?
So is it possible to love more than one people at the same time? If love is a mere release of chemical compounds, why do some people love although the other is dead?
Some things are just beyond our comprehension.
When they ask me what it is,
I will tell them,
It is a story of the Sun and the Moon.
Where the Sun and the Moon
does not meet ;
alone but together.
Where the Sun is big and the Moon ;
and the Sun shines on the Moon
When they ask me what it is,
I will tell them,
You're my Sun
and I, the lesser Moon.